Sexpress Sex Stories

Stories written by the staff of the Sexpress and their friends. Please don’t try this at home.

 

I was having sex with my boyfriend on the sitting room floor, his housemates were gone home for Christmas, so why not take advantage of it? We had been watching Netflix with the lights off, so the only source of light was the TV. He was on top and choking me, at my request. He was getting into it and going harder than usual, which was amazing! But you know how if you don’t interact with Netflix for a while, the TV goes black? I didn’t. Right as its getting really rough, the TV. blacks out. Except I didn’t know that and thought I’d blacked out. I freaked, internally panicking about how I couldn’t use the safety word because I was unconscious. I realised I wasn’t unconscious, and opened my eyes; to pitch black.

I thought I’d whacked my head off the ground hard enough to blind myself, and started panicking more; how was I going to drive home? How would I explain to my mother why I couldn’t drive home? All this happened in a few seconds, until my boyfriend turned on the light and saw my face. When he heard what I’d been thinking, he laughed so hard I thought he would have a hernia.

– W, female, 25


There’s a lot of funny, tragic, or tragically funny stories about my sex life I could ” tell, but the one that seems most apt happened in the last year. I had just started going out with this fiiiiine gurlo, and though we had had sex before, we had never done the whole ‘Netflix and Chill’ couple thing. (Do people still do that?)
So one night I snuck the girlfriend into the family home, up to my room to watch some films and, more than likely, do the deed. We were scrolling through the options while spooning, and suddenly she cried out: “oh my god, is Shrek on this?”

It was then that I knew I had found something special, something to hold on to. A memelord. Sadly, they only had Shrek 2, which is a good film, but not what we were looking for, so we started watching cringe videos on Youtube. After a few more Vine compilations, and some solid spooning, we got down to it: the main event. We fumbled about for a bit before I moved downstairs…if I were a completely talentless writer I guess I’d call it her ‘goddess’…and I went about my work. Right in the middle of it, hopefully building her up for a decent orgasm, I paused, looked down, and laughed. Worried, the beour looked down and asked me what was funny. I looked up at her face, then back down to the ‘goddess’ and, in my best fake-Scottish accent, whispered: “this is my swamp.” Luckily, she laughed, and we carried on.

– P, male, 25


Anyway one night we were out and somehow the conversation turned to safe words and he jokingly says “from now on our safe word shall be *funny dinosaur name*!”. We both laugh, the joke dies and we continue with our night out. Fast forward a week or so when we’re both back at mine rather drunk after more than a few drinks. We’re doing it doggy style and all’s going well until my hand slips and my face starts getting smashed into the head of my bed. Now in any normal situation I would have just said “stop I need to move my hand” but no. My drunken mind decides this is the PERFECT time to use the “safe word”. Sadly my drunken mind can not remember the exact dinosaur name we agreed on so

I just start yelling out anything that comes I mind because I’m drunk, panicking and quite frankly my face is REALLY sore by now. Eventually he gets the picture and stops and a few minutes later I say “I’m really glad I remembered that safe word!” To which he responds with a huge sigh of relief “oh THAT’S what you were doing?”

Turns out he had totally forgotten about the joke and thought I was just randomly yelling dinosaur names during sex for kicks

– T, female, 21


 

I had just finished having sex with my new boyfriend in doggy, and we were lying down to cuddle. I had never had this issue before, so no-one was more surprised than me when I moved and suddenly let out a queef that was so forceful it actually moved the blanket a bit, and sounded like a lawn mower starting up.

My boyfriend looked at me and said ‘Well, the romance is well and truly gone now!’ Mortified

– J, female, 26

 


 

My then boyfriend had never had anal, but was curious. One morning, he decides he wants to try it. I knew preparing properly was incredibly important (not my first time, as a gay man), but figured “What’s the worst that could happen?” I threw caution to the wind (stupidly) and we got to business. The lack of prep work meant it hurt. A LOT. After a few minutes, we were both in such discomfort we gave up. As he pulled out, he sniffed the air and grimaced; there was a definite smell. When I made it to the bathroom to clean up, I was bleeding. We broke up shortly after

– D, male, 26


I was sitting on my girlfriend’s face and as I was about to come, I arched my back. Which would have been fine, except she bent her knees at the same time, so I whacked my head off her kneecaps and collapsed. As I lay motionless seeing stars, my girlfriend panicked and ran into my housemate’s room, screaming ‘What am I going to do, I’ve killed my girlfriend?!’

– A, female, 30

 

 


I was the little spoon to my then friends with benefits, and I was reaching behind me to give him a hand job. As I was leaning forward to get a better angle, I felt myself start to fall off the bed. To stop falling I instinctively squeezed and pulled on the only thing I was holding onto – his dick. Oops

– M, female, 25

 

 

 


So I was at home one day and decided to have a wank. I got my vibrator out, applied to genitals, orgasm, boom, grand. Still felt horny though, so I decided to try for round two, and got the vibrator back out. I was mid-wank when suddenly my cat (who, up until now had been fast asleep on the far corner of my bed) woke up. He decided that my foot nearest to him was deeply offensive, and started attacking it. Teeth and claws were used. I slowed down until he got bored of massacring my poor foot because I was kind of too far gone to fully stop. When I eventually got back to what I was doing I did have a mind blowing orgasm, so it wasn’t all bad, I guess.

– G, female, 20


I was at Dublin pride, I had a bottle of mint Smirnoff and smoked a load of weed. ” When I got into the pub I lost my friend, and when I finally found him he was chatting to these two girls so I started talking to them and ended up having a three way kiss. Eventually two of their friends came along and we all kissed each other and tried a five way kiss. We were going to get a taxi back to one of theirs to have a fivesome so I said I would just let my friend know where I was going…. Except I got distracted and forgot what the girls looked like so I went and bought a burger instead and ate it on the way back to the BnB very happily

– A, female, 30