Playing it safe: getting kinky in the bedroom

Written By R.D.

College is a time of growth and development both on a personal and academic level. We learn more about ourselves forming a greater understanding of self through exploration and experimentation. Part of this important phase in our lives is often sexual exploration. There is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you do so with consideration and consent between you and your partners as consenting adults. Be they for a night, a year or however long. It is important to stay safe while you explore and that goes beyond putting a rubber on it.

I learned something about myself as a teenager. Turns out what floats my boat is on the more risque side of sexual engagement. Yes I am kinky, there are things I enjoy that others do and don’t and that’s okay. The two things I want to write about in this piece is safety while engaging in kinky activities and the topic of informed consent. We will talk about informed consent first.

So for example, if you were to get your freak on with someone you don’t know very well for the first time you would ask for a vocal yes before getting sexual right? I personally think an enthusiastic yes can be super sexy. As long as they know what they are saying yes to right? If you agree to smooches and cuddles it doesn’t mean you are automatically down for anal sex. Also if someone says they want to do x,y, or z with you, don’t say yes unless you know what is involved and you really feel like you want to engage in those activities. Yes means yes, no means no. Anything that is not an enthusiastic yes is a no. And don’t ever feel pressured to do anything you are uncomfortable with.

If you try something and don’t like the sensation stop. Weather that is a lightly spanked tush right up to a hard core abduction scene you planned out with your frisky friend. If you are not having fun, you might regret your actions if you don’t respect your own needs, especially the need to stop. I think clear open honest communication is super important when it comes to sex in general, but especially when it involves anything kinky. So if you can’t have a decent chat about your planned fantasy or such should you really be carrying on with the act? There is no point having your butt paddled or flogged for example if you don’t have trust in your partner or the ability to tell them your comfort levels. Being mindful of each other and building trust is super important for you to have good feelings attached to your kinky fun activities.

It’s all well and good to say I want to be tied up with rope or have my underwear cut off my body. But have you thought about the logistics of it? Sure it might flick your switch to have yourself tied up and played with. But has the person who will tie you up got the experience to do it safely? Have they researched, have you? You wouldn’t often think there is a place for science in the bedroom but did you know that you test capillary refill to fingers and toes to make sure that rope isn’t tied too tight and cutting off blood flow to your extremities. Did you place a scissors or shears near to hand to safely be cut out of the rope bonds before you started in case of an emergency? Safety in kink is super important. Much like other activities practice and slowly building up to those fantasies is important. As for the other example, I have heard a horror story of a sexy scene gone wrong when someone tried to cut the lacy undergarments from a partner.

Lets just say a trip to A&E is definitely a mood killer. I want you to have a mindful, shame free, fabulous sex life. I want you to be fulfilled and get your kicks in a way that respects both you and the people you get intimate with. Much like informed consent is super important like I said earlier on, so is being non judgemental of others and what gets their juices flowing. Just because it’s not something you are interested in, doesn’t mean it is any less valid. Much like folks who are aromantic or asexual, are equal and valid to other romantic and sexual orientations. So have those sexy conversations, ask for those “oh my god yes!” moments and make sure you play safe and play smart. Because let’s remember that intelligence is sexy.

 

*published under a pseudonym per author request